He is bringing us our drinks – rosé and watermelon sangria for me, biodynamic (I didn’t even know that was a thing?) red wine for him – when he starts explaining we do this thing, here, called the Daily Question. We give our customers a question to think about and discuss while they are waiting for their food. Would you like to hear today’s question? We look at each other for a minute, do that half-smile, half-shrug thing, and I say, sure. And then he asks, what are you committed to ?
And it is funny because, for all the question is surprising and for all I feel untethered, I know the answer to it immediately.
I am committed to growing, I tell F. I am committed to becoming a better version of myself.
It’s so solid and assured, the way I tell him that, it almost takes me by surprise. It does, a little bit. Because I have never fully stopped to think about it, never coalesced it into thought that way, and yet it is true (can there be varying degrees in truthfulness?) in a way that feels unshakeable.
I am committed to becoming. But I am not yet committed to being, it seems. I am committed to growing but not to being OK with who I am right now. I am committed to better without giving current me the grace and kindness I am actually quite sure I deserve.
Funny, isn’t it, how things work ? I still think growth is a pretty good thing to be committed to. But I think I’ve also found something else I want to commit to, perhaps even more so because it does not come as easily to me. I am committed to loving myself just as I am, right now. At accepting that I am enough.